Unfolding My Potentials

Feeling pretty bogged down. Aware of the endless layers of things I don't have control over from the macro to the micro. Making steps each day in the direction that feels right, but it feels like trying to move a desert, one grain of sand at a time.  With a metaphor like that, who doesn't feel overwhelmed?! Good to remember that I'm not alone in the task; we don't all have a separate desert to transport. This grain of sand I'm moving is one that you won't have to move, and vice versa. In addition, there are unexpected gifts to be grateful for... like being given a turn to use a shovel (or even a teaspoon) and then being able to offer it to someone else... or a wind that temporarily helps with the task...  And so on with other ideas that pop up with a metaphor that I'm getting super into...  Granted, I'm still viewing life as a burdensome task, which may not be the most healthy/appropriate mindset for everyone, or to use all the tim...

This week, I'm going somewhere. Literally:  I'm going to Ohio for a best friend's wedding! Figurativel y:   I'm leaving the rut I've been working on, to be there for someone I care about.  Literally:   I gotta prepare.  Get organized. Make lists. Fit 4 days into a backpack to take on a Spirit flight. Good thing the weather encouraged smaller clothing and fewer layers! Figuratively: I gotta prepare. Let go of my fierce grip on my Long Beach reality.  Trust that my relationships will be here when I get back. Reminder-  Hey! I'm only gonna be gone for an extended weekend! Literally: I'm so ready to take a break. Change surroundings. Figuratively: I gotta  let myself have this break, and   allow room for my perspective to shift with the change of information reaching my senses.    Regardless of the layers of my human experience: I'm grateful for the opportunity to take this trip. I'm grate...

Sometimes I get Lost.  Feeling overwhelmed.  Too much information. All external.  Not sure where to go.  Wandering around in circles. No direction.  Every direction. Time to regroup. Pressure. Idea that "bring in-motion is best", but getting nowhere . Bombarded with others' maps and suggestions. Only I know the way for my Self. How to get centered, and find MY way: A Plan of Internal Action STOP MOVING Do not take in new information REST Breathe.   Let the panic dissipate Then 1.  Take stock:  What do I have right now, in this moment? Resources, skills, connections... 2.  Create a compass:  Where do I want to end up?  What are my passions; what gives me life?  Letting the goal arise from this. It is authentically mine. 3.  Create a map:  How can I create a path to my goal, with what I have?  Are there mini destinations I have to focus on first?...

Big birthday yesterday.  Probably the most public I've been about my birthday in a long time.  I have felt so Loved!  Messages, calls, gifts; getting to share time, cupcakes, laughs, and silence with people I've been lucky enough to come in contact with in my life.  Celebrations flowing over days. Reminding me that time isn't about our constructed "days" and "hours"... It's much more fluid.  Transitions don't occur in a cut and dry time-frame. I feel a little silly that I was Worried about letting go of my twenties; to coalesce all my time and experience into my 30th year of life.  Worry was completely unnecessary (as it often is...). I've really never felt so Loved, Accepted, and Supported.  My birthday experience reiterated that I'm in the right place and the right time with all the right people. YOU are included! At the end of yesterday, I found myself unsure of how to process all this Love!  It was int...

Busy.  Distracted? I become distracted by being "busy."   In the past, I often used "busy" as an excuse to avert my focus from what's harder/scarier:  My own goals.  Ah, distraction as a defense mechanism... Since the start of 2018, I have been living in an "in-between" period. A transitional space. So much unknown to keep me busy! Becoming overly involved in my external environment Distracted.   Making connections, yes, but NOT keeping my personal goals close and clear. I am envisioning: My heart's goals, my passion's goals as A solid core  Surrounded by the details  (people, places, circumstances, timeline)  that are Unknown and flexible Completely controlled  By the creativity of the universe (Not me...lol) How do I remember?  How do I not get lost in life's details (willingly or unwillingly)? For me, I talk to friends about my goals (so they can gently hold me accountabl...

Practicing having my heart Open I envision a cage in my chest; opening a door with rusty hinges: A little painful A little freeing  A little empowering A little scary Exposing the soft, vulnerable piece within Thinking about being "ready" to be Open Sometimes, I think it's easy to say , "I'm ready" Ready to be open to connection Connection with other humans, connection with the universe But Open also lets in rejection, disappointment I'm not ready for that Is anyone?  Can't be picky when Open Can't discriminate to keep what I deem as "good" and turn away what I deem as "bad" Open allows all experience All emotions  And, Closed blocks it all I think To be open equals the ultimate practice in bravery

Something I've have been realizing lately... Every day is different. My initial reaction to this is anxiety.  I want to have control. Want to plan. Want to KNOW. Then, I say it again:  Every day is different. I try letting it sink in... Slowly softening and opening to the truth of it.  Looking past my knee-jerk reaction/rejections of the thought. Allowing myself to see the opportunities and excitement in this truth. When I'm feeling discouraged/groundless/grasping, and through this lens of discouragement, I foresee more bleakness in the future...  I remind myself: Every day is different.  This reiterates that I DON'T know. And that's a good thing.  Even when I have an established routine.  This routine reassures me (falsely) that I  know what to expect of my days.  This knowing may even lead to an element of boredom/restlessness because "Everything is planned out." But, really: Every day is different....

Today is the Spring Equinox. It's always helpful for me to pay attention to the cycles of the Earth, as it has an impact on my own cycles of motivation, productivity, energy levels, etc. Spring is about starting anew. Awaking from hibernation. Reconnecting with the world.  For me, it involves cleaning and rearranging; making space for new opportunities. Today, I am thankful for bird sounds and house plants.  We are transitioning into a new season. Moving from quiet introspection and a metaphorical hibernation in darkness, back to warmth and light, feeling vulnerable but voracious. I am ready to get my fill. Ready for action. How will I celebrate? Lighting a candle from The Wilderess , bought early winter and saved. Peony and Cardamom. I bought it because it smelled like spring to me.  Getting pictures taken of some of my artwork (by Stickley Studio ). Beginning of something new. I can offer prints and postcards of my art. Making meals u...

A favorite saying of mine is, "Stop 'should-ing' all over yourself." It's funny, but also true. Sometimes it's easy to look at life with a critical eye and a negative perspective leading to thoughts such as: I should do this.  I should be that.  I should be meditating regularly.  I should exercise.  I should read more books, watch more documentaries, be more active in politics, create more art... and so on. We can get caught in a spiral of beating ourselves up because we're not meeting certain expectations. And how does that help us?  Does it get YOU excited about doing any of those things? For me, all the "shoulds" make me just wanna give up!  Which is the opposite of what I want. When I notice myself getting caught in the "shoulds" (sometimes it's immediate, but other times, it might take a day or two!!), I try to shift my perspective into letting myself be, as I am, in that moment. This is the same as accepting mysel...

Today, I wanted to share about being introverted, and being able to take care of myself as such. Being introverted means that 1. Being around people depletes my energy at varying rates and 2. I am able to regain this energy and recharge by being by myself, preferably in my home. Does NOT mean- I hate people, I'm socially awkward, I don't have fun... so on and so forth. lol Conversely, extroverted people gain  energy by being around people.  This isn't cut and dry because introversion and extroversion exist more on a continuum, but I won't get into that right now. I am constantly learning how to take care of myself as an introvert.  Situations and circumstances are always changing, so I feel like I really need to know myself well and I have to be comfortable with setting boundaries when needed. As with any self-knowledge adventure; one must strive to be gentle and patient with the self.  I have to remind myself of this ALL the time!  I am a perfec...

Portion of Water Lilies by Claude Monet Been thinking about my ever-changing world of emotions.  Every day contains a multitude of emotions: Excitement, hope, joy, exasperation, disappointment, determination, confidence, confusion, dejection, relaxation, calm, sadness, yearning/nostalgia, love, gratitude, delight, curiosity, tenderness, resignation, nervousness, impatience... That was just yesterday!  Not sure if that combo constitutes a "good" day or a "bad" day... It was a "day." I am working on observing all of these emotions, and refraining from creating a story or assigning them meaning.  It is tremendously freeing to acknowledge I don't have to come to a conclusion about it at all!   This, then, becomes my work on acceptance of the present moment AND of the inevitability of change. I am accepting of all of these magnificent feeling experiences, without judgment and without needing them to involve any other person.   I am wallowing ...

Today, I am remembering to be grateful and accepting. Nonjudgmental. Focusing on appreciating every moment of my life, rather than analyzing it and always determining "something's missing". Recent mantra: May I be happy with myself as I am, with my life as it is, in this moment.  When I first started with this mantra (which I got from a friend), I had to call myself out on all the automatic "but" thoughts: "But, I'm waiting for x to happen" "But, I have bills to pay" "But, people are starving/dying somewhere"... Within the process of noticing these defensive thoughts, I realized there's always an excuse (ie. a choice) to not be happy. There is a pattern of thinking that we get stuck in; that happiness is always around the next corner...  By examining this as a pattern  (not as something that is integral to my identity), I am reminded that I don't want to keep waiting for "perfection" in m...

For this week, I've decided to write about my (current) experience of The Job Search.** I have been adamant about having a very different experience from previous Job Searches, which involved depression and endless amounts of self-judgment.  Here are some of the things I've been doing: Stubbornly riding the waves of emotion vs. being taken down. Working through frustration and impatience with the process. Transforming my perspective.  Accepting anger.  Going running.  Making art.  Finding life and magic in the in-between; the transition space; the ambiguity. Being dedicated to accepting/loving myself/my life in each moment.  Asking for help when I need it. Staying grateful.  Meditating. Paying attention to emotions in a nonjudgmental way.   Witnessing my dance with fears and attachment. Noticing beliefs about and threats to aspects of my identity. Being open. Listening to others. Sharing my thoughts/feelings about the expe...

Let's think a moment about our current self-care strategies (like I ever stop thinking about them!).  For example, when you come home from a long day's work, or when you are stressed about a conversation you had with a loved one, what do you do?  Sometimes there is a favorite TV show or a bubble bath in order.  Or a nap.  Or writing in a journal.  Or eating delicious food.  In this post, I want you to notice what you do, and what it does for YOU! The following is a technique that invites awareness in the moment.  Hopefully, it will spur an ongoing process.   I will give examples, then you can start identifying your own. Sometimes when I'm stressed I ________ for Self-care: * Binge-watch Netflix.           What is my intention?            1. Bring my spirits up, meanwhile gaining space from and perspective on the stressor      ...

Today marks my official 2 year anniversary with Long Beach.  This is a real holiday in my book. And it is probably the best day to start my blog and tell you a little about what got me to this place... Moving to Long Beach was officially the "craziest thing" I've ever done. In the beginning of 2015, I had a job as an Art Therapist in Denver, Colorado.  I was "doing what I went to school for" like I was "supposed to", but I felt restless, and burned out for a number of reasons.  To feel more balanced, I decided to get a part-time job in something that I was passionate about (outside the realm and responsibility of therapy); I got a part-time receptionist job at a dance studio.  I love to dance. I never had lessons as a kid because of this or that reason, but I've always loved to dance, and it has always been a key way for me to expel pent up emotion (self-care, anyone?). While I was the studio receptionist (and art therapist), I ...