Unfolding My Potentials

Feeling pretty bogged down. Aware of the endless layers of things I don't have control over from the macro to the micro. Making steps each day in the direction that feels right, but it feels like trying to move a desert, one grain of sand at a time.  With a metaphor like that, who doesn't feel overwhelmed?! Good to remember that I'm not alone in the task; we don't all have a separate desert to transport. This grain of sand I'm moving is one that you won't have to move, and vice versa. In addition, there are unexpected gifts to be grateful for... like being given a turn to use a shovel (or even a teaspoon) and then being able to offer it to someone else... or a wind that temporarily helps with the task...  And so on with other ideas that pop up with a metaphor that I'm getting super into...  Granted, I'm still viewing life as a burdensome task, which may not be the most healthy/appropriate mindset for everyone, or to use all the tim...

Sometimes I get Lost.  Feeling overwhelmed.  Too much information. All external.  Not sure where to go.  Wandering around in circles. No direction.  Every direction. Time to regroup. Pressure. Idea that "bring in-motion is best", but getting nowhere . Bombarded with others' maps and suggestions. Only I know the way for my Self. How to get centered, and find MY way: A Plan of Internal Action STOP MOVING Do not take in new information REST Breathe.   Let the panic dissipate Then 1.  Take stock:  What do I have right now, in this moment? Resources, skills, connections... 2.  Create a compass:  Where do I want to end up?  What are my passions; what gives me life?  Letting the goal arise from this. It is authentically mine. 3.  Create a map:  How can I create a path to my goal, with what I have?  Are there mini destinations I have to focus on first?...

Big birthday yesterday.  Probably the most public I've been about my birthday in a long time.  I have felt so Loved!  Messages, calls, gifts; getting to share time, cupcakes, laughs, and silence with people I've been lucky enough to come in contact with in my life.  Celebrations flowing over days. Reminding me that time isn't about our constructed "days" and "hours"... It's much more fluid.  Transitions don't occur in a cut and dry time-frame. I feel a little silly that I was Worried about letting go of my twenties; to coalesce all my time and experience into my 30th year of life.  Worry was completely unnecessary (as it often is...). I've really never felt so Loved, Accepted, and Supported.  My birthday experience reiterated that I'm in the right place and the right time with all the right people. YOU are included! At the end of yesterday, I found myself unsure of how to process all this Love!  It was int...

Busy.  Distracted? I become distracted by being "busy."   In the past, I often used "busy" as an excuse to avert my focus from what's harder/scarier:  My own goals.  Ah, distraction as a defense mechanism... Since the start of 2018, I have been living in an "in-between" period. A transitional space. So much unknown to keep me busy! Becoming overly involved in my external environment Distracted.   Making connections, yes, but NOT keeping my personal goals close and clear. I am envisioning: My heart's goals, my passion's goals as A solid core  Surrounded by the details  (people, places, circumstances, timeline)  that are Unknown and flexible Completely controlled  By the creativity of the universe (Not me...lol) How do I remember?  How do I not get lost in life's details (willingly or unwillingly)? For me, I talk to friends about my goals (so they can gently hold me accountabl...

Practicing having my heart Open I envision a cage in my chest; opening a door with rusty hinges: A little painful A little freeing  A little empowering A little scary Exposing the soft, vulnerable piece within Thinking about being "ready" to be Open Sometimes, I think it's easy to say , "I'm ready" Ready to be open to connection Connection with other humans, connection with the universe But Open also lets in rejection, disappointment I'm not ready for that Is anyone?  Can't be picky when Open Can't discriminate to keep what I deem as "good" and turn away what I deem as "bad" Open allows all experience All emotions  And, Closed blocks it all I think To be open equals the ultimate practice in bravery

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about today.   Feeling scattered.  I know what's technically on the day's agenda: Attend meeting with a group of amazing, creative, entrepreneurial females. Go to work for a few hours. But there's always more than that on my mind and in my heart.  Mind: Light a candle, do laundry, vacuum the apartment, wash my hair, feed myself, write grocery list, buy groceries, read a book, check agenda items off list, connect with other humans... Heart: Compassion, excitement, fear, wonder, determination, love, and so much more, in varying amounts and combinations.  And more and more. I'm feeling busy, but not at ease in it. I have worry of being swept away; not grounded; losing connection with my Self; becoming lost; forgetting something... These happened in my past when I thrived on being "busy", therefore, "productive." But, I define these words differently now... Lastly, I'm ack...

I've been having conversations with friends in the last week, and a theme has emerged: A seemingly simple realization.  To focus on living life moment to moment.   Choosing to incorporate consciousness. Mindfulness.  Acknowledging each moment as it comes. Staying curious, with a sense of humor.  Stopping despite the momentum in our "busy lives" to find the sacred. Not wanting to look back on this moment with longing/regret. Listening to the tiny bits of information received from the universe.  Reaching out to connect with others when we feel the urge. Saying thank you . Saying I love you . Saying I appreciate you and I'm thinking about you , when we feel the urge.  Giving freely; with no expectations to get something back in return.  "Living in the moment" has become a bit clich e ́ . Maybe there are certain ideas about what this looks like: Giving up everything to travel the world. Going bungee jumping. Facing external fears... ...

Something I've have been realizing lately... Every day is different. My initial reaction to this is anxiety.  I want to have control. Want to plan. Want to KNOW. Then, I say it again:  Every day is different. I try letting it sink in... Slowly softening and opening to the truth of it.  Looking past my knee-jerk reaction/rejections of the thought. Allowing myself to see the opportunities and excitement in this truth. When I'm feeling discouraged/groundless/grasping, and through this lens of discouragement, I foresee more bleakness in the future...  I remind myself: Every day is different.  This reiterates that I DON'T know. And that's a good thing.  Even when I have an established routine.  This routine reassures me (falsely) that I  know what to expect of my days.  This knowing may even lead to an element of boredom/restlessness because "Everything is planned out." But, really: Every day is different....

A favorite saying of mine is, "Stop 'should-ing' all over yourself." It's funny, but also true. Sometimes it's easy to look at life with a critical eye and a negative perspective leading to thoughts such as: I should do this.  I should be that.  I should be meditating regularly.  I should exercise.  I should read more books, watch more documentaries, be more active in politics, create more art... and so on. We can get caught in a spiral of beating ourselves up because we're not meeting certain expectations. And how does that help us?  Does it get YOU excited about doing any of those things? For me, all the "shoulds" make me just wanna give up!  Which is the opposite of what I want. When I notice myself getting caught in the "shoulds" (sometimes it's immediate, but other times, it might take a day or two!!), I try to shift my perspective into letting myself be, as I am, in that moment. This is the same as accepting mysel...

Portion of Water Lilies by Claude Monet Been thinking about my ever-changing world of emotions.  Every day contains a multitude of emotions: Excitement, hope, joy, exasperation, disappointment, determination, confidence, confusion, dejection, relaxation, calm, sadness, yearning/nostalgia, love, gratitude, delight, curiosity, tenderness, resignation, nervousness, impatience... That was just yesterday!  Not sure if that combo constitutes a "good" day or a "bad" day... It was a "day." I am working on observing all of these emotions, and refraining from creating a story or assigning them meaning.  It is tremendously freeing to acknowledge I don't have to come to a conclusion about it at all!   This, then, becomes my work on acceptance of the present moment AND of the inevitability of change. I am accepting of all of these magnificent feeling experiences, without judgment and without needing them to involve any other person.   I am wallowing ...